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Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Brotha's Sick N' Tired Rant!!!

So, this is my sick and tired of the bullshit rant. It's past due time for it. No. This ain't about me snatching JOY because JOY has been playing Hide 'n Seek with my ass!

I don’t know what the problem is. Well, maybe I do. Lately I’ve been in a deeply dour mood. Been feeling mad stressed, and maybe just a tad distressed. Been feeling overworked, and underpaid… overtaxed and laxly laid. I have been lacking so much for, inspiration, that I’m afraid my soul is now underfed. This could be a case of the typical "I Jess Don't Gits No Respect" Blues, I guess.

In no way, a slacker, I’m just lacking that knack, that zest, that magic drug that makes one feel accomplished. Been working on manuscripts deep into the ungodly hours of the morning, and chances are, no matter my efforts, the work will never be appreciated. Or else, some smooth-ass-ghetto-bred-wannabe-thug-criminally-minded mofo will rip me the hell off. I can’t count on people any more. They leave me thoroughly pissed with their triflin' fits of bullshit and blatant self-involvement.

I’m starting to understand why so many others find solace in the bottle, the beer can, the crack-pipe, in meaningless coitus, or in a needle. I’ve seen too many bad things go wrong for essentially good people. I've seen too much foul shit in general: too much TV and cable news, too much war, and too many viruses, too much of the web, and too much porn and senseless violence.

I’ve witnessed too much of man’s inhumanity to man; the wrong hands placed on women, children, animals… and sometimes I think, just maybe those *needle people* have it right.

I have seen them wandering carefree and aimlessly through the haze of days, and I’m almost filled with envy. At night, these junkies glide down a maze of neon streets, slinking down avenues and onto those roads, less taken. Lately, I’m wondering if the road I’ve taken has really been worth the trip.

I won’t say my head’s messed up, or that I’m depressed. I’m not a big fan nor a subscriber of that concept. Yes. Some people are truly clinically depressed. God Bless them. But other people just use it, own it, cling to the idea of it, until death. I just get down sometimes— that’s all. I get down, and I try to breathe in easy waves, to *center* my chi, and eventually… it goes away.

I believe "Happy" is an unnatural state to be in 24-7, anyway. Lord Save me from those chronically HAPPY(!!!) people!

But I’m tired, damn tired... and bored and deeply uninspired by my day-to-day life.

purple shadowed nude

I’m tired of smiling when my spirit doesn’t feel much like cooperating.

I’m tired of sometimey folks who, at best, can only extend their lukewarm acts of graciousness.

I’m tired of trying to figure and finesse the latest in the hip new handshakes.

I’m tired of making half-broke, half-assed, half-fabulous appearances.

I’m tired of these old clothes that smell like old closets.

I’m tired of the smell of me, my cologne, my hair, my face, my goatee, and my reflection.

I’m tired of people wanting things from me, knowing I’ll most likely be the one *cheated* in the interaction.

I’m tired people telling me “the check’s in the mail!”

I’m tired of practically begging for things that are owed to me.

I’m tired of failure… and of failing to be *felt*.

I’m tired of weird-assed vibes and mixed signals.

I’m tired of nosy people who ask questions that are none of their biz.

I’m tired of making exceptions for ignorant people.

I’m tired of intolerance- even when it comes from me.

I'm tired of fake-azz wannabe "thugs."

I’m sick with braggarts, bling and people who measure their worth by material things.

I’m sick with a media that glorifies this rampant banality.

I’m tired of emails and calls from people with nothing cognizant to say.

I’m tired of supplying wit to thoughtless, witless, depth-free individuals.

I’m tired and bored with my self, my moods, my words, my brooding, and others curiosity.

I’m tired of Presidents, CEOs and powerful people who only possess weak knees.

I’m sick of these new restrictions taking every ounce of my so-called freedom.

I’m tired of the hype, hypers, and the hyping of things I’m supposed to like.

I’m tired of long, boring-ass movies so notoriously overly-priced, that, as a customer, I oughta sue!

I’m sick of exhibitionists claiming to be artists, and really don’t have a clue.

I’m sick of half-assed attempts at music, expensive cigs and TV dinners served cold.

I’m sick of the lies and dissortions of the media, and 15 minute faces I’m supposed to know.

I’m tired of this prevailing phoniness while engaged in my constant struggle to keep it real.

I’m tired of the mediocre shit being praised, tired of preeners and posers and I’m tired of watching what I eat to retain my appeal.

I’m tired of competing, while others are cheating, and I’m tired of these jobs, and the gym.

Sick of entering races I never seem to win. I’m tired of running. Tired of running.

Tired of running and breathing too freakin’ fast!

I’m so tired of the rats, the rat-race and the races of men.

I’m tired of always, always running, damn it!

Sometimes, I just wish I’d learned how to swim.



Wizardress said...

I can relate and understand to a lot of this- It's time for change my friend- change that YOU can count on and the change that only comes within.

Love you! and that you can always count on *hugs*

Dorrie said...

I can sooooo relate to all you wrote! Maybe there's something in the atmosphere because I'm feeling much the same. Or is it because the sunny summer days are over? Or all the other bull shit that life puts upon us.

My last entry was also a pretty down one. Something is missing.. the magic is missing. :-( {hugs}

Mizrepresent said...

I am so familiar with this feeling Lin, and i know how it can be quite overwhelming. You r just going through, but the great thing is, you won't stay here, you will move on. A change of place, or routine always help :) Believe me, that's why i'm jetting in a couple of weeks...need a change of space and place to revitalize though spirits. Missed you and thanks for checking back in with us.

Anonymous said...

Brother even when you're feeling down and not appreciating you (that happens and it passes) You still are a great writer

"I’m sick with a media that glorifies this rampant banality".

This speaks to me. I turn off from the media. Mostly. For me, Scripture is that thing that breathes life back into me. Beauty does that for me as well. Beautiful sunset, the wind blowing tree leaves, the Pacific ocean, staring into my lit candles. The smell of Nag Champa incense. Very simple things revive me.
Brother, you know it will pass.

Keep on writing because it will revive you!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Hey suga! I wondered where you'd been. I can totally relate to everything...and I do mean ev-er-y-thang you're feeling. Unfortunately, we can't refer to this as the road less traveled because it's a superhighway a great deal of us are on or have been recently. Sounds like a change is in order, one that will feed all aspects of your spirit, mind and body. It's said the only way out is through, so I'm looking forward to your moving to your next desired level.

Big hugs!

Moet with Medusa said...

I've been where you are countless times. Just remember God lives through. You are wonderfully gifted and it will pass.

I'm happy that you're back bruh! You are more of an inspiration than you know.


Val said...


"Been working on manuscripts deep into the ungodly hours of the morning, and chances are, no matter my efforts, the work will never be appreciated...."

Nope, I don't agree. I love your writing. And when your manuscripts are done and published I'm sure millions of other people will love your work too!

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

At times I feel the same way as you,I have found a outlet in the people who I engage with at work daily,when I look at their lives compared to mine I jump for joy and thank my god for not being where they are.

Solomon said...

I can so relate to your struggles. But I know the Lord will always be there for us even in our darkest days. And what has surprised me most about making my way through the storms of my life is how much God was showing me at the time.

Like you said in an earlier post, in times of need that is when we find out who our real friends are. And I have learned the only one I can truly count on is God, and a few others that believe in him as strongly as I do.

I am feeling a change in the air with the change of seasons myself. Hopefully there will be many experiencing this new positive change in their life and circumstance.

God works in mysterious ways.

Anonymous said...

Brother Eastside, I tagged you in a meme that I'm participating in! It originated at the Electronic Village Blog and it's for black bloggers to introduce themselves and share about their interests and other black bloggers they know.
I chose you and four others out of ALL the lovely blogs out there because you are in my TOP FIVE: For being cool! (I appreciate that there's no East coast/west coast beef between us;
For being funny!
For being REAL! Really Real!
Im not gonna talk about your talent. You already know you talented.
And for having the coolest blog title and a sign off word!! That ish is cool as hell.


Moanerplicity said...

@ all who've commented: THANKS so very much for feelin' me & for the kindness, the words of encouragement, support, advice & wisdom. I truly DO appreciate it. Trust!

One Love.


Moanerplicity said...

Sista Westsiiiiiide:

Wow! For real. yo? Really? What can I say? I'm honored. I'm hyped. I'm humbled. I'm hubris-free... & a few other H-words.

Thank you so much for thinking of me & this lil blog 'o mine.

You've succeeded in making me smile... & trust... these days, that, my Sista, is no easy feat!

Thank You.



Felicia Monique said...

Oh, this is heavy... I feel your disappointment, frustration, and overall weariness of EVERYTHING. It doesn't feel like the "best" place to be, but it is the "true" place for you at this moment in time. So nice that you are able to be in your feelings and express them quite eloquently.

"Sometimes, I just wish I’d learned how to swim."

I have no doubt that you are swimming. Just come up for air...

Chet said...

Greetings my brotha, pleased to have you back and blogging again. You were truly missed. After reading this entry I couldn't help but think of Langston Hughes poem: What happens to Dream Deferred?

I feel your pain and I know your struggles for I travel a simular path. Yes a brotha is sick and feed-up with the struggle. As in the poem it is questioned; What happens to dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun or fester like a sore and run? Does it stink like rotten meat or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it sags like a heavy load.

My brotha you may feel under appreciated, cheated and you may feel they have pulled the rug from under your feet... not! The struggle is not easily handled, it will not be done around the round table nor with friends, but from within, the real hero is you.

For some odd reason or other I think it is the season for unjust and untimely shyte. A strange mist spread over the universe creating havoc and fatigue. Your dream has not been deferred so continue doing your thang. The rewards are forth coming.

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

...this is a long list and daunting in that...easy to say, but try one thing at a time? Also, most of those people don't know how you are feeling, they go on with their lives oblivious, so try and make yourself happy first. Doesn't always work for me but in the end if I think on it enough, the rest falls away if only temporarily. My therapist told me something I take to heart--grief comes in waves, let it flow over you, not knock you down...