Just finished reading your words, and now I’ve all these crazy tears in my eyes. Your words, they sounded so final, so methodical, as if you’re at some ticket office, finalizing your flight plan.
Gregory, final is a very, very long time, my friend.
I am sorry that your trip to London didn’t pan out the way you’d imagined and hoped and written and prayed that it would. I am truly, deeply sorry that the one you profess to love, wouldn’t see you, or answer your emails or take your calls. I am sorry that you feel lost and unnecessary. I am sorry that you feel all your effort was for naught.
I could say that this is THEIR loss. But I fear you won’t really hear me.
Gregory: When it’s real, when it’s actual and factual, Love is a verb. Love doesn't ignore you, or kick you in your gut. Love doesn't crush your spirit, hurt or fuck you in some deeply wounding way.
Love is supposed to support you, LIFT you up! “So High” that your “shoes are scraping the sky”… remember?
But Love, The Real Deal Stuff, doesn’t truly exist if it isn’t reciprocated. Yes, that’s a rough, mad tough pill to swallow. Yes, it may hurt like hell, but I swear, it’s true. What you thought was Love, was, in fact, a joyful past-life experience, an illusion, a beautiful dream in your heart.
It doesn’t mean are not worthy of Love, because you most definitely are. You ARE! It simply and sadly means that *this love* was not destined to endure for the entirety of your journey.
This too shall pass.
I’m also very sorry that the reunion with your father fell through. I am sorry that he chose to spend time with the “beloved” brother, instead of you. This too is HIS loss. If you have been made to feel as if you’re unloved, loveless, love-free, that is sad and most unfortunate. But it happens to be a deep untruth.
So now… what? You not want to punish those people who’ve hurt you, ignored you and chosen not to give you their love?
The truth is, your demise might sting them, might hurt them, might cause them to grieve you, for a minute or two. And… then what? You’re gone, and their lives will continue to go on.
You haven’t truly THOUGHT this thing through, my friend.
Well what about your son, and his family? You want to punish them, too? Do you really think leaving them your precious computer will soothe them through your eternal absence?
What about the friends who’ve offered you help and guidance, Light and Laughter and Love through your episodes of pain? Do you want to punish us, too?
What about those times when the sun shines and a smile comes into your heart for no reason, and you experience a Good Moment? Do you want to punish those Good Moments, too?
What about the spirit in you, the one who believes in The Creator, what are you really saying to Him? That He Made a Tragic Mistake in Creating you? That you’re not worthy of a full life, lived in joy and pain?
Truthfully, Gregory, Black Men and Suicide shouldn’t even be in the same damn sentence. Black men have known Real Tests of The Human Condition: centuries of indignities, kidnapping, and slavery, centuries of systemic emasculation, physically, mentally and spiritually, and still somehow survived without the crutch of suicide.
But *heartbreak* alone is enough to do YOU in?
Your sensitivity enlightens me, but your weakness, it only frightens and saddens me.
I would truly like to Believe you are STRONGER than this, Gregory. You are a Spirit-filled, God-fearing Being. You are, and have been a Light, and a Beacon of inspiration. Should you choose to snuff out that light, everything you ever said will forever ring of fraudulence.
Should you snuff out that Light, you will truly know Hell, and not that sacred peacefulness you only imagine you will.
You need to remember this: What Doesn’t Kill Us… Make Us Stronger!
You need to know that the Sun does indeed rise again.
You need to realize that suicide is a foolish and permanent solution to a temporary problem.
You need to always remember that This Too Shall Pass.
You need to know and to put into daily practice, this, my friend:
From the Jaws of suffering, Snatch Joy!
That’s it. That’s all.
I Love You.
P.S. And now I’ve all these crazy tears in my eyes. Imagine that! Me! I must be one those people who truly feels that you Matter, Gregory.
*Ponder* that, my friend.