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Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Transitory Shelf-Life Of The Male Stripper (& Other Tragedies of The Ridic)

The other night, as personal favor for a friend, I did a bartending gig for this private party. I was told ahead of time that the tips would be cool, but the atmosphere might, ummm... "get kinda rowdy."

I wondered WHY he felt it was necessary to warn me. I mean, what exactly was I about to roll up on?

“Well,” he said. “This is a bachelorette party.”

Oh. Say no mo.

Having done of this kind of thing before, I knew that indeed things could get hectic, and LOUD, and crazy, and LOUD, and freakish, and LOUD and outta hand... and well, LOUD. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the LOUDNESS, but this was for a friend; and ya know a Brotha could always use some extra tippage. So, LOUD or not, I agreed.

So, I roll through around 7:30 to set-up the bar. Gradually, I see the women-folk (won't call ‘em ladies) sift through. Some come in pairs, and some in groups of four, five and six. They looked sedate enough (at first), and a couple of them even gave me some rhythm. The woman of honor, the Sista of the hour, the Bachelorette to be fetted was a chick in her early-30s, I suppose. She's all coiffed up weavey wonder-style, manicured down, and one could tell she was the woman of the evening because the others sort of swarmed around her in queen bee fashion, giving her kisses, props, and the occasional gift box.

Gradually, I noticed the crowd getting antsy, and LOUDER, as the drinks were flowing nicely and the liquor was going to their heads. I also knew what was expected to be the main emphasis, highlight of the evening, and The Big Tah-dah!: The male stripper…

Initially there were a couple of buffed cats I'd spotted patrolling the premises earlier, and I'd assumed they were the strippers, as both were rather rocked-up in the extreme. But NO! These cats were bouncers, not strippers. My bad.

The main cat, the cat-daddy stripper of some renown was a large chocolatized dreadlocked Brotha who went by the name of Aaron Anancoda. Trust! I couldn't make this ish up! There was even a BIG-AZZ "A.A." on the back of his gold cape, which was strange in itself, 'cause the dude was dressed as a cowboy!

There really should be a better set of stylists for this profession. I mean, no matter the machismo of the dancer, they always end up looking like some ridiculously femme, flamed-out superhero, gone all kinds and varieties of WRONG!

Not understanding the boots, the cape, the glitter, the tassels and such. Just NOT understanding, yo!

ANYWHO: When this A.A. dude made his way to the stage, the place went wild! I don't mean wild… or even WILD. I mean Wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-le! Male strip clubs must unleash that sleeping inner CAVEWOMAN out in some women. They lose ALL control! And yeah, I must admit, in his rowdy raunchy rodeo glitter-gear, A.A. did look kinda impressive. I mean his shoulders were huge and his guns were looped and gi-normous. He was blessed of thigh, and had bountiful gluts. Yes, I understood the buzz, the hype, the squeals of delight generated by this he-man's hulking presence. Some of the women were indeed visually pleased to see such a well-built speciman.


However, when I looked closer, my writer's eye noticed, A.A. was no spring chicken. I mean, seriously, I'm all for shaking whatever yo mama (or daddy or granddaddy) gave ya, and I'm not about the age discrimination trip, but dude was tad long in the toofus (AND the jockstrap!) for such a physically… ummmm… demanding profession.

This was just something I NOTICED, and having noted it, I just kept pouring.

The crowd grew LOUDER, more juiced on liquor, and this only made them all the more impatient to see some more skin. So, A.A. ripped the back of this stripper-gear away, and showed ‘em some man-azz.

I heard a few "Ooohs…" followed by "oh…" and the "oh" wore a tinge of feminine disappointment. Still he received a bill or two as he continued going through his dated hip-swerving moves. The cat's dancing ability was... ummm... kinda lax and lacking. I mean, there was a distinctive absence of energy, as if his heart, balls and the rest of him wasn't really INTO it.

But the crowd grew louder and more demanding, and she, the bachelorette, straight up hollered: "Show us what you workin with, big daddy!"

Oh. My. Goodness!

Man... this is where it gets sad.

I mean, for real.

You might wanna stop reading at this point. If so… Peace.

Aiight. Still reading?

Homeboy, churned and slowly rolled his hips in a freaky old skool circa 1985-style, and then he slowly, methodically whipped IT out. And, trust me, whip would be the correct terminology. Yeah, he was kinda blessed in the lax ding-a-ling department, BUT, I guess the women wanted to see the old anaconda dance, rear-up, get frisky, and bite someone. Unfortunately, all the damn thing did was hang there and swing, sway and flop, uninspiredly... and the women were just NOT having it! But trust... they WERE definitely amused.

They began to laugh, teehee and titter and some just straight-out guffawed.

"Damn! Is that thang asleep?"

"Somebody call 911, stat!"

More laughter ensued.

Charming, eh?

Then, for his next move of grace-free choreography, he launched into his MAIN ACT. He half-lumbered, half-gyrated over to the chick-of-honor and did his shake and swing-a-ding-a-ling dance thing for her. He began to slowly grind her now giggling thigh. He sat on her lap, which was shaking hysterically as he rolled his hips all lewdly upon her. And she, oh she was doubled–over laughing at his ass, and the rest of him! And no, this was not that shy, uncomfortable bachelorette giggle thing. Nah. She was mad laughing AT him! And, by now... so were the rest of them. I mean, they were all ROARING!

It was like this cat had become the stripper-comedian or some such shit.

Then, and this is the SADDEST part: homeboy left the lap, went back to the stage and laid on the floor, on his back, face-up.

Oh Lort! What was Aaron and his alleged Anaconda gonna do next?

Well, he commenced pouring oil all over himself, applying extra oil to his rippling, if declining assets… and still the anaconda wouldn't dance. Maybe all the laughter had killed the mood. I clearly could see why it would. But, that didn’t seem to faze him. He just kept pouring and rubbing, rubbing, and a-pouring and nothing noteworthy happened. The only thing throbbing in the room was the boom of the music.

Ironically, it was an old Sade tune, "War of The Heart," and it seemed that even she had conspired against him, as she sang:

“I’m loaded… Don’t know where to point this thinnnnnnng.”

Really? Et tu, Sade? Seriously?

Maybe that musical selection had already been pre-planned, but, for me, as a man, this was a pretty pitiful and putrid display.

I couldn't help but wonder... Did homeboy forget to pack his Viagra?

Picture it: a grown-azz man with dreadlocks, easily in his mid-40s, with a decent build, a large, if lazy johnson, spread out on the dance floor, with only a couple SINGLES surrounding him. A grown-azz man, old enough to KNOW better, dry-humpin’ the floor, and TRYING his level best to entertain these drunk, laughing and abusive women... I mean, you had to SEE it.

I seriously felt sorry for him. I felt like: DAMN… Bruh, I hope you got a good day job!

And the whole time, I'm mixing and pouring and having this mental dialogue with this cat that went something like:

Am I the ONLY ONE who feels this tragedy? I hope this scene doesn't scar you for life, bruh. In fact, I hope this scares you straight; awakens you to the reality that your stripping days are through. Done! Ovuh! Kaput! I mean, fo real, yo. Maybe this will be your epiphany… because surely, there's gotta BE a better life than THIS! Maaan, just GET UP, yo! Maybe if you leave now, no one will notice!

At this point, gangs of women were just a-walking by him, going to the ladies room, ordering more drinks, carrying on LOUD sista conversations, as if this naked cat on the floor didn't even exist.

I swear I wanted to throw a big ass blanket around the man and lead him away from that madness. But I was only there to serve drinks. So, I chilled.

Truthfully, I never understood the male stripper mentality. Other than using their assets to make a quick buck, and letting that become the seed money for some Bigger Dream, then what would be the point? It is ego-inflating? Well, maybe if you’re young enough to lack any other sense of esteem or self-possession. I definitely don't GET why anyone after, say, age 30 or 35, would still be out there shaking dat saggin’ ass for cash. It's clearly a young person's profession! And besides that, this tad-too-long-in-the-jockstrap cat was NOT bringing sexy back! In fact, he shoulda seriously considered retiring it! And just WHY was he the last one to know this?

Everybody's got a hustle… and more power to them. It’s not really fair to judge him or anyone. Witnessing this sadness was actually a lesson in social studies for me. The moral of this pitiful display: Whatever our profession, we need to KNOW when we've become a parody of ourselves. And when and IF that happens, hopefully we'll possess the grace to simply retire our respective tassels, and just say, goodnight...


This has been another of those Public Service announcements. Aiight?



Dorrie said...

wow, but I guess the poor guy does it so often, he just does his thing and ignores the reactions... it's "just" a job after all, right? As long as the cash rolls in....

I've never experienced a stripper live, at least not that kind. I did attend some real live shows once... one with a horrible 3-some. I mean, THAT show was BAD! I should right an entry about it some day ;-)

Anonymous said...

Brother Lin! This post was MAD, MAD, MAD, funny!!!! And that's sad. For that brother!

"I swear I wanted to throw the man a big ass blanket and lead him away from that madness. But I was only there to serve drinks. So, I chilled."

Hee hee haw! OMG! It's funny, but not funny, you know?

The economy is very very vuuuuurrrr bad right now, but dayum!!! I blame the whole, entire fiasco of this on George Bush.

But through it all, you have memorialized the entire thing in your wonderful, inimitable writing style, as always! I can see the silent, fangless anaconda in my mind's eye! Hee hee!

The Voice of DemondMaurice said...

This was freaking hilarious!!!! I don't even know where to begin with this...LOLOLOL. The femme costumes are really bad and no one seems to mind seeing a grown ass "straight" man dance around in a full body lace or Velvet cat suit....WTH

Some of these men need to know when you hang up the thong.....SMH

jae october said...

The joint had me rolling yo!

I'm a need homey to consider a different line of work.

A former homeboy of mine is a DJ and he used to do male stipper parties all the time. One night we rolled up and waited for him until his set was done and those women were going crazy, I've never seen cats at a strip club act like that. It was interesting to say the least.

Anyways, the last dude of the night was performing. I glanced over and saw that it was my former gym teacher. Luckily, he didn't see me because I was laughing so hard my nose started running.

After you see it tomorrow,let me know your thoughts about For Colored Girls yo!

♥ CG ♥ said...

ROFL! This brought tears to my ears from laughing so I can only imagine the whirlwind of hilarity that surrounded that scene.

Felicia Monique said...

LMAO! You, my friend, are so wrong for this post!

Mizrepresent said...

I haven't seen a male stripper in about 7 years and when i did i was well...thrilled, disgusted, excited, engaged, and repulsed all at once. I prayed that this dude would not whip it out. I tried my best to remain neutral during the entire performance (ie...a bachelorette party)...but it seemed the more i tried to ignore him, the more he came on. When he put his sock covered dong in my lap and dared me to touch it...well, i have to say i did, just to see if it was real...and yes it was! I turned all shades of blue-black (i'm dark-skinned) lol. I really feel sorry for old dude in your post though, cuz knowing me, i would have been laughing too!

Wizardress said...

Your PSA had me literally Laughing Out Loud. You know- ole' guy lost me at the AA name, and seriously anaconda?

I'm So glad I wasn't in that room, because I would have probably been literally wiping the tears with laughter.

I'm glad you were able to share this adventure with us. hehe I just hope YOU aren't scarred for life. :)

Love you xxx.

Val said...

"It was like this cat had become the stripper-comedian..."

Lol! Best line ever!

You're right; a person should always be able to make an honest assessment of their abilities. If not then things can get really sad, really fast.

Reggie said...

I couldn't do it, I couldn't do the stripper thing. But if I did I think I'd go with Myles Long as a stripper name.

I would think that it would be hard enough (pardon the pun) to perform in front of two women, much less 22. In front of that many women, my shit wouldn't have gotten hard if there were money involved. Seriously, that's gotta be a pretty daunting task.

It always seems to me that women get a whole lot more rowdy than men. Why?!? Who knows?!?

Anonymous said...

@Reggie, Myles Long?!? You in trouble now! MYYYYYLLLLLEESSS!


I thinking tho, that women get rowdy (not speaking from experience, mind you)
because it's their party, and anyway, penises are wonderful things for all the talents they have--they are so ALIVE, you know?

They're God's gift to women, and we like them.

Unknown said...

I died for should have taken photos!

D-Place said...

Funny and sad. Maybe he hadn't raised enough cash for that other dream.

CareyCarey said...

**enters the voice of dissent**

Okay, I'll be the prude at this party of hecklers.

I feel sorry for anyone that has to display their body as a source of income. Not to mention the elements (and people)they have to be around in order to do that.

Look at women that are strippers. Who would raise their hand to confess that they'd love for their daughter to follow that path to happiness?

When I hear folks say "it's just a job" I hear "yeah, it's only sex", as if those simple words thrump the ill affects of promiscuous and wanton sex.

On another sad note, I never understood the fun of seeing someone (that's not mine) shake their "assets" in front of me and several other slobbering fools. Really, about 20 years ago I was out of town with a crew of men (working). That evening the decision was made that we'd all go to a strip joint... I went along. While sitting in the joint, I felt like the biggest trick in the world. Yeah, I found no pleasure giving my money to a woman (that was not mine) while she dangled all her body parts ( that I did not know where in the hell they had been) in front of me. And there was no way in hell that I was going to roll up my money, stick it in my mouth, and insert it in her G-string, that I'd seen bounce off 20 other men. Too nasty for me.

And why would I want to sit around a room full of men with boners?!

And here we are laughing at a man that's been reduced to shaking his thang for a buck.

Moan, this post had some funny lines, but....

Lets sing along.. "it's yo thang, do what you wanna do, I can't tell you, who to give, touch, poke, joke, stroke, or give yo money to"

JStar said...

LOL...Yea, its a small world Lin...Your pic looked familar the first time I came to your blog but I didnt pay it any mind...Ok MySpace tho...That was like another lifetime ago...Your username does sound familar tho...Good to run into you again...

LMFAO@ this WHOLE post...I went ONCE to see male strippers...They just dont do it for me...Its a turn off...Seeing a man in a thong looks so gay to me..Not my cup of tee...

LOL@Jason..Your gym teacher tho...I woulda made him see me ha ha

Chet said...

Okay now that I have my composure I may be able to comment. I don't think there should be an age limit for the strippers, but everything (body) should be up to par, a falcid penis and low hanging testies don't exactly spell out erotica.

By all means the brotha should get himself some blue diamonds (Viagra) or a cock ring.

I don't know what it is these brothas be thinking about when selecting wardrobe and music. I've noticed that the costumes are more old circus like than sexy.

I feel for the brotha he must have felt unappreciated after all that laughter from the women; damn maybe he doesn't usually do female crowds. Maybe the snake would have awaken in a room full of other snakes.

I'll have my Mojito to go please.

Moanerplicity said...

@ Dorrie:

I think strippers & stripshows, like all forms of entertinment, can be evelated into Art. Sadly, most people in the field don't bother to apply the craft or concentration needed to be artists.


Moanerplicity said...

@ Anna:

Yes, there were mos def some moments of unintentional humor, but, being there, it was actually more SAD than funny. I blame that on me being all hyper-sensitive & feeling other people stuff, whether good or bad.

It's Bush's fault, huh? LOL. If he KNEW that, it might affect & offend him even more than Kanye's comments ever did! (smiles)


Moanerplicity said...

@ Demond:

Sup bruh! True dat! Some occupations definitely should have time-clock fixed to them, & some workers oughta know when the time comes to hang it up!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Jason:

That's hilarious, yo! Not sure if I woulda made myself known either. It woulda proved deeply humiliating for him. There are lots of folk (including old coaches) out there working double-duty nowadays. But stripping? For real? There's gotta be a better way, man!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Curvy:

Laughing is kinda contagious. I DID keep a straight face throughout the routine, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to bust a gut, b/c I was surrrounded in Great Big Waves of MAD LAUGHTER!

Still, I thought what if that cat in the g-string was ME!?! Personally, I woulda BAILED!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Felicia:

Was I wrong? It was the only thing lately, worth reporting/sharing... so I went there.

Hmm.... Hope karma doesn't GET me! (smiles)


Moanerplicity said...

@ Miz:

I wish I woulda saw you! The shy, slightly embarrassed women @ these shows are always the best one's to watch. But often, after a few shots, they get into the spirit & get a lil crazy, & by the end of the night, they tend to be the last ones to leave. Odd that!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Wizzy:

I think I WAS a little scarred by that event! I mean, I don't think I'll be doing anymore of those kinds of events. People tend not to show the best sides of their humanity in such settings.

And yes, A.A. WAS really what he called himself.

Hey, I just had a scary thought: I HOPE he doesn't Google his stage name & happen upon this blog!


Love You, my friend!



Moanerplicity said...

@ Val:

That line actually came naturally. I didn't have to stretch for it, b/c if anyone had walked in mid-way, that's exactly what it would have seemed like: a comedy club w/ a featured stripper!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Reggie:

I KNOW I couldn't do it, not even in my more studly prime! BUT I think my stripper name would be sum'm more subtle than yours. I'd go for sum'm like ummm... maybe: Woody Johnson.


Someone should do a study on women in strip clubs & what exactly takes over & transforms them. It has to be the same kind of phenom as Beatle-mania!


Moanerplicity said...

@ D-Place:

I'm all for dreaming bigger dreams. I tend to do that myself. But a little self-evaluation is due to determine one's strong points... AND one's weaknesses.


Moanerplicity said...

@ Carey:

Strippers all have their own reasons for doing what they do. It's saddest when it's a young girl w/ no life experience, being pimped & used for her body.

But I have to believe that no one can MAKE a grown-ass BLACK, middle-age man strip, & I'm not even sure he does this (alone) for a living. My take on it is that his exploits were for the most part, EGO-driven: proud of his peen.

It also might be a case of arrested development. Perhaps there was a day, not long ago, when he ruled that scene & made an idol/spectacle of himself. Sadly, that day is done.

Thanks for your thoughts... you 'prude!' (smiles)


Moanerplicity said...

@ JS:

Whether gay or straight, bi or tri, I don't think there's been a thong invented that doesn't make a man look ridic ( & NOT is a good way)!


Moanerplicity said...

@ Chet:

That thought also crossed my mind, that maybe it wasn't HIS kind of crowd... but since the invention of that V-pill, such variables should not be a problem. You pop one & then a few moments later, you (physically) POP one!

Smell me?


Nicole said...

You sure do know how to write a riveting, hilarious and engaging story. This is too funny!

I have secondhand embarrassment syndrome so if I was there, I would have died of embarrassment for that guy.

I've never liked seeing male strippers. Whenever someone I know is having a bachelorette party, I pray I won't have to go to a male strip club. They're so ick. I'd much rather see female strippers than male ones.

Moanerplicity said...

@ Nicole:

Maybe we suffer from the same affliction. I think I share some of that dreaded secondhand embarrassment syndrome w/ you. Whatever he felt or perhaps SHOULD have felt in those moments, I was feeling, if only by association.

And I agree, generally speaking, women, GROWN women w/ a sense of flair & self-control tend to make far mo betta exotic dancers.


Moanerplicity said...

@ Gayte-keeper:

Nah! I would never to do THAT to the dude. Besides, he'd already suffered thru enough humiliation!


Kandia said...

WOW..WOW and more WOW...LOL...seeing a man gyrating like that just does not do it for me at all. I would have been laughing too.

Bless his heart, I'm with you, sometimes you just gotta know when to fold 'em and call it a day.

Moanerplicity said...

@ Kandia:

Yup! Self-awareness is a vurrr important component in everything we do in this life.

Thanks for stopping by.


Anonymous said...

That is truly messed up! CTfu.. if I was him I would've left.

UrbanSocialite said...

I stumbled on to our page from another site. That is the funniest isht i've read in while. I really needed a laugh after my day today....

I have been the "guest of honor" at a strip show and realized quickly that flanging peen, taco meat and large groups of drunk chicks too close together just didn't do it for me.

If you ever get into the psychology of why old men strip, you should blog about it. It would be interesting reading.